The Screwtape Letters by C.S.Lewis is a favorite of
mine. For those unfamiliar with the book, Screwtape (a devil) sends a series of
letters to his nephew, Wormwood ( an apprentice devil), offering advice on
wooing the patient (a nominal Christian) away from the enemy (God).
As you can imagine, the book is awkward reading at first-
especially if you are unaware of what Lewis is doing. It is, however, quite
insightful- and really gets you thinking!
In that vein, I offer you…. “How to get people to leave your
parish in 10 easy steps.” An effective tool for maintaining the integrity of your
parish life and ensuring it doesn’t suffer from the onslaught that newcomers
bring.
1.
Discourage ministry participation by anyone new.
You really are not in need of any new Extraordinary ministers, lectors, servers,
ushers, funeral dinner workers or –gasp!- cantors/choir members. It is rather
presumptuous for someone to offer to serve in those ministries without being
asked (and you will not ask them). This also applies to helping in Religious
Ed, parish festivals, bingo and other events and fundraisers. The parish has
managed quite nicely without the newcomers, and will do just fine without them.
The nerve!
2.
Never, ever, ever let someone sit in your pew! Arrive
early for your spot. If you happen to get there at the same time as someone new
(because your fellow parishioners KNOW where you sit), simply keep scooting
down the pew until you push them right out. I saw this one expertly executed on
February 24, 2013. It was beautiful! The trespasser didn’t even realized what
had happened. Flawless!
3.
Be sure the ChriEasters know they are not
welcome back. You’ll take their money in the collection basket for the holiday,
but let’s not push it. Don’t share hymnals and- for crying out loud- be sure
you hug the end of the pews! Scooting toward the middle of the pew so there is
room for more people to sit is ridiculous- and might be perceived as welcoming,
which can’t be allowed. Besides, it looks good if people are standing for Mass.
4.
If your parish does the Protestant “welcome
those around you” bit (shudder!), and you see someone new/ from another parish
say something like, “ Oh, are you slumming it today?” or “What are you doing on
this side of town?” That way, they get the idea they don’t belong.
5.
Kill creative and/or innovative ideas as soon as
they are offered. “We have always done it this way” effectively shuts down most
people. Especially when offered by a new
member- or one who rarely offers input- new ideas are a way for them to try to
weasel into parish life. Next thing you know, they’ll think they run the place,
and that cannot be allowed. Shoot it down quickly. Then, some time later, you
can re-present the idea as your own- which is acceptable, since you are an established
parishioner. Ideas to draw in young people and young adults must be stopped.
You cannot tolerate even more people being invited to the parish, as this is
counter-productive. However, you must push “progressive” liturgical ideas-
always test the limits on those! If the rubrics don’t specify not to do
something, it must be allowed. Try hand washing on Holy Thursday, ribbon-waving
processions for Pentecost, so-called liturgical dance in a non-ethnic parish.
This will keep away newcomers who are stuck pre-Vatican II.
6.
Criticize any contribution by the young people of
the parish. Expect them to be better than adults at any ministry they try. Be
sure they hear you. This leaves those spots open for the adults, no matter how
poorly those adults fill those ministries.
7.
Question their piety, especially if it falls
outside the norms of the parish… and especially if it comes from the person trying
to learn more about liturgy/ Catholic faith.
A perfect tool here is to call someone who wants to follow established
rules and traditions a Pharisee. They understand this is an insult straight from
Jesus! He berated the Pharisees for their exterior observance of the law,
without having the love of God at their heart. This, of course, is how these
interlopers are- and you know it, too!
8.
Criticize Mass attire- She is overdressed for
Mass, he is underdressed for Mass. This one is very easy. Nit-pick. Go ahead.
The stability of your parish is at stake. That skirt is a tad too short, his
jeans have a spot on them. That young man is wearing a T-SHIRT? Well, I never!
See how simple it is? And don’t forget- head
coverings or chapel veils on a woman are a sure sign she needs to be drummed
out quickly. That kind of negative influence on the parish cannot be good. She’s
a Pharisee, I’m sure! (see #7)
9.
Gossip. Make it good and juicy so it is good
fodder for the rumor mill. Lies are the
best route since in gossip, a person is guilty until proven innocent- and they
have no way to prove themselves innocent, because by the time they get wind of
the gossip, their reputation has been completely destroyed. This is one of the best overall methods for
parish size reduction, because once they do discover the gossip, they will be
embarrassed and humiliated into leaving. This is where the lies are most
effective: the innocent person is more embarrassed then a guilty party would
be. It is easy prove someone DID do something, impossible to prove they did
NOT. Don’t worry about it not being true- God understands you are doing it for
the good of your parish. Besides, it might
possibly, somewhat, in some small way be true and you can confess it, anyway. Then
you are off the hook AND mission accomplished. What a deal!
10.
RCIA. This is a dicey one. You need RCIA
participants, because the Easter Vigil would be so boring without the Baptisms
and Confirmations. But you certainly don’t want these people thinking they
belong to your parish. Don’t make any effort to introduce yourself to them. Do
not attend the welcome reception after the vigil Mass. Resort to starting at #1
above if necessary if the RCIA members actually show up for Mass after
Easter. Most of them will quickly become ChriEasters if you are efficient.
There are other avenues to keeping people away. You may need
to tailor these to your specific situation. But these are tried-and-true and
will keep your parish just as it is for many years to come… or until there is
no one left.
