How to Get People to Leave Your Parish in 10 Easy Steps

The Screwtape Letters by C.S.Lewis is a favorite of mine. For those unfamiliar with the book, Screwtape (a devil) sends a series of letters to his nephew, Wormwood ( an apprentice devil), offering advice on wooing the patient (a nominal Christian) away from the enemy (God).

     As you can imagine, the book is awkward reading at first- especially if you are unaware of what Lewis is doing. It is, however, quite insightful- and really gets you thinking!

     In that vein, I offer you…. “How to get people to leave your parish in 10 easy steps.” An effective tool for maintaining the integrity of your parish life and ensuring it doesn’t suffer from the onslaught that newcomers bring.

1.       Discourage ministry participation by anyone new. You really are not in need of any new Extraordinary ministers, lectors, servers, ushers, funeral dinner workers or –gasp!- cantors/choir members. It is rather presumptuous for someone to offer to serve in those ministries without being asked (and you will not ask them). This also applies to helping in Religious Ed, parish festivals, bingo and other events and fundraisers. The parish has managed quite nicely without the newcomers, and will do just fine without them. The nerve!

2.       Never, ever, ever let someone sit in your pew! Arrive early for your spot. If you happen to get there at the same time as someone new (because your fellow parishioners KNOW where you sit), simply keep scooting down the pew until you push them right out. I saw this one expertly executed on February 24, 2013. It was beautiful! The trespasser didn’t even realized what had happened. Flawless!

3.       Be sure the ChriEasters know they are not welcome back. You’ll take their money in the collection basket for the holiday, but let’s not push it. Don’t share hymnals and- for crying out loud- be sure you hug the end of the pews! Scooting toward the middle of the pew so there is room for more people to sit is ridiculous- and might be perceived as welcoming, which can’t be allowed. Besides, it looks good if people are standing for Mass.

4.       If your parish does the Protestant “welcome those around you” bit (shudder!), and you see someone new/ from another parish say something like, “ Oh, are you slumming it today?” or “What are you doing on this side of town?” That way, they get the idea they don’t belong.

5.       Kill creative and/or innovative ideas as soon as they are offered. “We have always done it this way” effectively shuts down most people.  Especially when offered by a new member- or one who rarely offers input- new ideas are a way for them to try to weasel into parish life. Next thing you know, they’ll think they run the place, and that cannot be allowed. Shoot it down quickly. Then, some time later, you can re-present the idea as your own- which is acceptable, since you are an established parishioner. Ideas to draw in young people and young adults must be stopped. You cannot tolerate even more people being invited to the parish, as this is counter-productive. However, you must push “progressive” liturgical ideas- always test the limits on those! If the rubrics don’t specify not to do something, it must be allowed. Try hand washing on Holy Thursday, ribbon-waving processions for Pentecost, so-called liturgical dance in a non-ethnic parish. This will keep away newcomers who are stuck pre-Vatican II.

6.       Criticize any contribution by the young people of the parish. Expect them to be better than adults at any ministry they try. Be sure they hear you. This leaves those spots open for the adults, no matter how poorly those adults fill those ministries.

7.       Question their piety, especially if it falls outside the norms of the parish… and especially if it comes from the person trying to learn more about liturgy/ Catholic faith.  A perfect tool here is to call someone who wants to follow established rules and traditions a Pharisee. They understand this is an insult straight from Jesus! He berated the Pharisees for their exterior observance of the law, without having the love of God at their heart. This, of course, is how these interlopers are- and you know it, too!

8.       Criticize Mass attire- She is overdressed for Mass, he is underdressed for Mass. This one is very easy. Nit-pick. Go ahead. The stability of your parish is at stake. That skirt is a tad too short, his jeans have a spot on them. That young man is wearing a T-SHIRT? Well, I never! See how simple it is?  And don’t forget- head coverings or chapel veils on a woman are a sure sign she needs to be drummed out quickly. That kind of negative influence on the parish cannot be good. She’s a Pharisee, I’m sure! (see #7)  

9.       Gossip. Make it good and juicy so it is good fodder for the rumor mill.  Lies are the best route since in gossip, a person is guilty until proven innocent- and they have no way to prove themselves innocent, because by the time they get wind of the gossip, their reputation has been completely destroyed.  This is one of the best overall methods for parish size reduction, because once they do discover the gossip, they will be embarrassed and humiliated into leaving. This is where the lies are most effective: the innocent person is more embarrassed then a guilty party would be. It is easy prove someone DID do something, impossible to prove they did NOT. Don’t worry about it not being true- God understands you are doing it for the good of your parish. Besides, it might possibly, somewhat, in some small way  be true and you can confess it, anyway. Then you are off the hook AND mission accomplished. What a deal!

10.   RCIA. This is a dicey one. You need RCIA participants, because the Easter Vigil would be so boring without the Baptisms and Confirmations. But you certainly don’t want these people thinking they belong to your parish. Don’t make any effort to introduce yourself to them. Do not attend the welcome reception after the vigil Mass. Resort to starting at #1 above if necessary if the RCIA members actually show up for Mass after Easter. Most of them will quickly become ChriEasters if you are efficient.

There are other avenues to keeping people away. You may need to tailor these to your specific situation. But these are tried-and-true and will keep your parish just as it is for many years to come… or until there is no one left.